Jokes Central

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every now and then, a $50 bill fell out onto the footpath. Noticing this, a cop stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $50 bills falling Out of that bag.” “Oh, rats! Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer..” “Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?” “Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my yard is right next to the baseball stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a hole in the fence, right into my garden. It used to really annoy me and kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the most of it?’ So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my shears. Every time some guy sticks his dingus through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it a

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.” “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband” said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and ‘ abracadabra! ‘ two tickets for the new Queen Mary 2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me”. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and – abracadabra! the husband became 92 years old

The strongest actions for a woman is to love herself, be herself, and shine amongst those who never believed she could!

Intentions don't matter. What's inside makes no difference until we do something with it.

If you do not see a light on at the end of the tunnel. March down there and turn it on yourself!

The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find.

People of character do the right thing, not because they think it will change the world but because they refuse to be changed by the world.

I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around. Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on. Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” I said to her, “Is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mom?’ It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it. As the old woman was leaving, I called out, “Good Bye, Mom!” As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was $1027.50. “How can that be?” I asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on.” So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans. Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arrivi

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about  their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,  begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.  One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?’ The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’ The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers,  and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies  out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back  to his table. His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’  but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’

Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn’t make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and   I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married  for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting  loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the  smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.  He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to  see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The  years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning,  as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep,  she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs w

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.  When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,  painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years  they had been married.She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,  emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire  laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist  got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand,  embraced and kissed her passionately.The woman shut up and quietly sat  down as though in a daze.The therapist turned to the husband and said,  “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?” The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. “Well, I can drop her off here on  Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday’s, I fish!

A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money.  She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings  account because it’s a lot of money. They finally get her into the president’s office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag  onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, “I make bets.” The president replies, “Bets? What kind of bets?” and she says, “For example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” says the president, “That’s a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet.” The old lady says, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” says the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady says, “OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with  you if I bring

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and  that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and  didn't even notice I had a new haircut,  had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.  You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you and I have  been married for 7 years,

A man's success has a lot to do with the kind of woman he chooses to have in his life.

Talk to your spouse more kindly than you talk to anyone else in the world. Too often we speak harshest to the one we love most.

Good Night Friends!

Life is what you make of it, so it's pretty much your own fault if your unhappy!

I'm a little bit crazy and slightly insane... You'll never meet anyone quite like me again. I do stupid things and say crazy stuff and one things for sure one of me is enough. But my hearts made of gold and it's in the right place. SO even though I am a raving nutcase, I'm there when you need me to comfort and care. For my friends I'll always be there!

I couldn't ask for better friends...more normal ones maybe, but what fun would that be?

Love & Hugs send your way for a lovely Saturday!

I try to fall asleep, but my ADHD kicks in and it's like, one sheep, two sheep, cow, duck, horse, old MacDonald had a farm, heeey macarena!

I have lost my mind if found handle with extreme caution it may be dirty and is definitely dangerous.

I'm  a sweet girl but if you make me mad just remember i have a pocket full of crazy waiting to be let out!

Amber Alert: Looking for my mind, It suffers from crs (can't remember shit) and has mood swings, if you see it... approach with caution!

People should take a good look at life and be grateful for how lucky they are to have the health and life they have because not everyone is as lucky!

Good Morning and Happy Thursday!

Opportunity tends to knock once, then it's gone... Temptation, however, likes to stand there and lean on the dame doorbell!

If you don't like me, buy a map, get a car, and go to hell.

I need to get on medication so I can slap stupid people and blame it on the side effects.

I can go from Halo to Broomstick in 2.6 seconds.

Don't come to my funeral to show me how much you cared about me... Show me how much you care about me now while I'm still alive.

Well those frigging housework fairies have let me down again. Next time I see them I'm going to shove their wands right up their glittery little arses.

I can still "Drop it like it's hot" it's just harder to pick back up now!

Happy Monday! Hope you have a wonderful day!

I'm in the mood to misbehave...who's with me?

Happy Sunday Friends!

Hey guys, I see Friday coming quick... Happy Thursday!

Happy Wednesday!

Happy Thursday!

When people cut you down or talk behind your back, remember, they took time out of their pathetic lives to think about you.

I went to McDonald's today and ordered a Happy Meal the guy asked me if I wanted a "boy toy"? I smiled and said, "Honey, you're too younf to apply for that job!"

The madness runs in the family!

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Relax it's the weekend! Check us out on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/Quotes.Central.Is.Awesome

No matter what happens my kids come first! Share if you agree! Check us out on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/Quotes.Central.Is.Awesome

I wasn't made for Winter... I want my flip flops! Check us out on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/Quotes.Central.Is.Awesome

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